My Inspiring Journey To Sobriety

My Dad passed away during COVID. There is still so much I want to tell him. My Dad was a humble, gentle spirit. Such a loving person. He loved my mom more than anything. He loved his 3 boys just as much. The best way I can describe my Dad: He had a huge heart. He would give a stranger the shirt off his back. Some might drive down the road and see a young black homeless man in a wheelchair, struggling to survive in life, and pass him by. Not my Dad. He stopped, picked him up, brought him home to our house and said, “You can live here with us until you have somewhere to go.” I was there the day my Dad helped him get into an assisted living facility. Like the scripture says, be kind to strangers, you never know when you are entertaining angels. My Dad was such a great man. The greatest man I’ve ever known. The oldest memory I have of my Dad is when I was just a little boy. We were sitting under a tree. I can still remember my Dad telling me he named me after the great warrior, Joshua, in the Bible, and the arch angel Michael. Just a few years later my Dad gave me the greatest gift ever when he sat me down one day and taught me how to pray. I can still hear my Dad saying: “If you are ever in trouble cry out to the Father. He will send his angels to protect you.” Throughout my life my Dad would talk about God like he knew Him. At times my Dad wouldn’t leave the house because it was the Sabbath. He would say: “God wants us to rest on the Sabbath, son.” My Dad was a godly man. A man after God’s own heart.

I have struggled with addictions all my life. I started drinking alcohol and doing drugs when I was 12 years old. When I turned 20 I met a beautiful young lady. She got pregnant and we had a healthy baby boy. In my efforts to save my life, get married and start a family, we started going to church and I started attending AA/NA meetings.

Our home church had a men’s retreat at the Marriot Hotel. All the men in the church met at the hotel Friday night, and we spent the weekend together in a conference room praying, singing, and listening to guest speakers. Halfway through the retreat I felt this urge to leave. Like a voice inside my head kept saying, “God’s not real, let’s go party.” I got up, went out to my truck, drove to a 7-11, and stole a can of beer. After taking a few sips, I told myself forget the retreat, let’s go party. I started driving back to the hotel to collect my belongings and go party the night away. I was almost there when my truck stalled. I coasted into a SunTrust Bank parking lot. I got out, looked under the hood, and checked all the gauges. Nothing was wrong. I threw the beer out the window. The trust started right up. I drove across the street to the hotel, went up to my room, got down on my knees and started praying, “God forgive me, I’m going to stay at the retreat.” I grabbed my Bible and was heading back down stairs to the conference room when I looked out the window over the city. I could see the SunTrust Bank sign sticking up over the trees. It was as if God said: “SunTrust me.” I spent the rest of the weekend at the retreat filled with the Holy Spirit. On Sunday we all drove back to our home church. I was baptized in front of the whole congregation, my soon to be wife and son sitting in the front row. I felt great. I had a hunger to join the ministry and change my life.

Doubting faith and that voice inside my head confronted me at every turn. The constant pull of the flesh, sex, drugs, and alcohol overcame me; and my search for meaning and purpose in life ended at the bottom of a pill bottle. I was sentenced to 44 years in Federal Prison. Walking into a United States Penitentiary for the first time I just knew my life was over. I spent my first night praying, asking God to protect me. I spent the rest of my time getting high to mask the pain, avoid reality, and try to fit in. After spending so much time in a regular housing unit around drugs, alcohol, and violence, I was in a cold dark place. I had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. The hangovers only get worse. The depression never leaves. I had to make a change. I could still hear God saying, “SunTrust me.”

I signed up for the Life Connections program. A faith based housing unit. An oasis of peace and quiet amongst the storms. Even though I was still getting high, I started going to church and praying to God to help me stay sober. A few weeks later a knife fight broke out in the chow hall. The whole prison was placed on a 7 day lockdown. I though to myself, here was my chance to get sober. For the next 7 days I was locked in my cell with no drugs or alcohol. I started fasting, praying, reading my Bible, begging God to help me. I can still remember my prayer: “Please take the desire to get high away from me.” I meant it with all my heart. Tears rolling down my cheek. When we came off that lockdown I had 7 days clean and sober.

The work call bell rang. I ran out the unit to my job in the laundry department. I made my mind up that I was done getting high, when out of the blue a guy who owed me money for months showed up at my work and handed me a piece of paper and says: “Sorry it took so long to pay you.” I opened it up. It was a piece of dope. Now, I remember thinking: “Why me? I didn’t go looking for this! I’m done getting high.” Though I could still hear that voice inside my head say: “Just one last time.”

Now my boss at work hated drugs and been telling me for months if he found out I was getting high he would fire me on the spot. So I ran and hid. When I put the dope in the spoon I could see it was mixed with some glue. I didn’t have time to separate it. I didn’t even care. All I could think about was getting high. When the dope hit me it almost killed me! Like a hot shot surging through my body. Lying in bed that night I couldn’t sleep. It felt like someone was standing on my chest. I was so disgusted with myself. How did I end up like this? I was such a dope fiend. I would risk my life to get high on something mixed with glue.

My celly was from South Bend, IN and a big Chicago fan. He had a stack of magazines on the table. I picked up a few and started flipping through them when I read this by Michael Jordan: “I have failed over and over and over again in my life and that is precisely why I succeed.” Words can’t describe how much that meant to me in that moment, it kept me going. For the next several months, I fought back one urge after another to get high. Constantly fighting that voice inside my head saying: “Just one more time. This time will be different.”

Then one day I was standing in line at the Life Connections Library waiting to get a book, when I started talking to another inmate about my addictions. He said: “I have a book in my cell you might want to read.” Halfway through the book it was like a light switch went on. I’ve been reading, studying and applying everything it says ever since. I am 5 years clean and sober now. I’ve never felt this great in my life. I no longer have to fight that voice inside my head. I have learned how to silence it.

One day a lady who used to work with the Life Connections program stooped me in the hall and asked how I was doing. I couldn’t wait to tell her I was finally sober, that I started the first ever AA/NA group in the Faith based unit, that I was the chairman at every meeting, that 12 guys showed up last week, our biggest meeting ever, and that 2 guys got their 30 day chip. She looked me in my eye and said: “You have a story to tell. God wants you to share that with others.” Ever since then, when another inmate offers me to get high or is struggling with addictions himself, I share my story with him and offer some suggestions of how I’m staying sober.

Which brings me to why I’m writing this. I’ve spent most of my life taking. I want to spend the rest of my life giving back to others. When I sat down to start writing this page I had some doubts. That voice inside my head wanted to say: “No one wants to hear from you. You robbed and carjacked innocent people.” I took a few seconds to pray, apply some mental techniques, and gather some positive thoughts. Then I opened my Daily Bread and read the day’s quote. “Where there is no vision the people perish. Proverbs 29:18.

God works in mysterious ways. I’ve spent the past 10 years behind these walls. From behind bars I’ve watched my son grow up without a dad. But I’ve never been alone. Because of what my Dad taught me. God walks with me everywhere I go. I consider myself a prayer warrior from what my Dad left me. Rest in peace, old man, I’ll see you soon!

Do you know someone who is struggling with addictions? I’ve been through it all. Please share my story with them. I’m working on a small handbook: “Staying Sober; A Fight for Survival Behind these Walls.” It should be out soon.

Until then, if you need someone to talk to or some suggestions on staying sober in life’s search for meaning and purpose, please feel free to email me any time. I can’t wait to hear from you.

“The man that conquers himself is superior to the one who conquers a thousand men in battle” – Buddha

I thank God every day for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I couldn’t do this without Him. To Him be all the glory, power and praise.